We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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