I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
