I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm passing your future prison.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
