I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
