woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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