"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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