Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
