Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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