I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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