If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
