When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
