Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
