the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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