a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
