I'm jealous of your bromance
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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