i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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