You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
