Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
its not stalking. its research.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
