so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
