remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.