I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
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Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
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The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG