some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?