He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked