Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
