Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
