so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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