Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
