I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
