I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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