I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
soo... how was my night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
