Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
