I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
