The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
