seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
