Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
