I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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