I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i think i just lost a toe
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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