Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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