i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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