Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
