I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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