put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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