You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
