I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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