I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
