fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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