You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You are the jesus of drinking
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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