and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
