Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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