I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
