Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
