I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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