Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
