My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
