i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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