i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
