My Higher Power is John Stamos
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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