Kiss
Puke
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
